It’s been awhile since I’ve posted here, mostly because the site metrics showed that there was very little traffic, so, instead, I’ve posted to Facebook. I’m still alive, still in the shelter, seemingly no progress.
Posting today a couple of things I put on Facebook to allow you a bit of a glimpse into some of my own struggles.
Those who know me, know I’m prone to “overshare”, but, then, I see no reason to hold back my struggles, lessons, or triumphs.
Today, two posts from the same day. If you read to the end, it will give some resolution, I think.
March 29 @ 8:50am:
I finally get it. After years of my wife and family telling me how useless I am, of friends gently trying to suggest that any writing or music that comes out of me is terrible, that my tech knowledge and skill is worthless, I FINALLY get it.
Just like that. Like a switch flipping, my hope is finally extinguished. Even the government can’t help. If I were an addict, or felon, they tell me, I’d have more resources than I could use. If I were slightly more limited, there’d be help. They meet with me, swear they can help. After fanning the barest glimmer of hope I have left, and running me ragged with their endless forms and errands, they come to the same conclusion as everyone else: I’m worthless.
The dreams I’ve had, the supporting hand of my God that I’ve felt, clearly a delusion of a mind in freefall. Don’t misunderstand, I know who my God is, I now just believe that I’ve labored under false information from a glitchy, tormented brain. There is no help coming.
For the first time in years, I can’t even bring myself to open my Bible for morning study. There’s just nothing left. My church is meeting “virtually” (as useless as that is), and I don’t even think I’ll be able to force myself to “attend”. I have a church because I believe corporate worship is valuable and important… Perhaps that is what was keeping my delusion alive, I don’t know. All I know now is, I’m locked down, almost out of resources, and there is no rope lowered to my pit, no hand extended, no path opened.
I have no desire to write, or read, or make music… No desire to create or consume. Oh, I’m not suicidal, I learned long ago that I don’t have that right, but I can’t continue trying to be productive with no hope of any return. I give up.
If God is as merciful as I still believe, He’ll finally relent and bring me home. I can’t continue as a worthless, useless, broken piece of human garbage. The sad truth is, I don’t even have any tears at the moment, truth of this scale is sobering and heavy enough to smother all emotion.
Don’t bother replying, I’ll delete any comments. I’m not looking for witticisms, or encouragement, just throwing up a final, irritating, unwanted overshare, as is my custom.
March 29 @ 5:17pm:
Some of you may recall that I’m a bit… Discouraged today. Sorry for the wall of screenshots, this is an update from this morning.
About two hours ago I was getting nudged hard and consistently to start my “morning” study (which I hadn’t been able to bring myself to do yet). I attempted to ignore it, but was unable to concentrate on anything else. I got the feeling that I needed to start in praise, and get my mind properly prepared. My Christian playlist is randomized, and today it started with “Blessed Be the Lord”, because, of course it did. 🙄
After I was properly teared up, I was treated to reading about Solomon building the temple to glory of the LORD, and Stephen giving a history lesson to the Sanhedrin about how God protects and provides for His people.
My spiritual-smacking today continued with bits and pieces in the screenshots below. I’m still in a rough place, but I understand the lesson from the day… It’s not exactly been subtle.
If you have the time, take a gander at the screenshots, they may smack you around a bit, as well.